The Hard Part Is Getting There

I really didn't want to get up this morning to go to work. But I thought about what Prof. Evans said - once you are there it is easy. So, instead of snoozing until the alarm clock goes off for the 4th time I oozed out of bed, with sleep still in my eyes I jumped in a hot shower and once the sleep melted off of me I was good to go. Now here I am at work being very productive and I only have 390 more minutes to go, excluding 1/2 hour lunch break, until I can leave.

In Mourning

We buried my mother-in-law in Santo Domingo last week. I feel a terrible loss for a life that was cut short unecessarily. Even though, I believe everything happens for a reason, it is really difficult to rationalize or comprehend this one - both with my mind and my heart. I wish I could have known her longer, spent more time with her, and most of all that my husband would have a chance to have his mother in his life forever. Just wanted everyone to know what a wonderful person she was and I can't thank her enough for trying for that fourth baby just in case it would be a boy - and was! Can't forget to thank God for intertwining all of our lives. I know she is with him and in our hearts forever.

Common Courtesy

Is is soooo difficult for people to have a little common courtesy?!?! I am courteous to everyone I come across, but I am finding it more and more difficult to find others that are the same, especially at the office. Some people say it is the twenty-somethings today, they have no regard for others. I have always been polite or friendly. It really doesn't take that much effort. In fact I would feel a little ridiculous just letting go ofa door once I pass through, especially if I know someone is following not too far behind me. I say hello or smile to those passing me in the hall - obviously we work together, even if you don't exactly know who I am, we are co-workers nontheless. And even better, you don't know who I could be or who I know. Doesn't it just make more humankind sense to say hi. Or just nod - acknowledging my presence is enough for me! I didn't just turn this way either, I have always been like this.

Good lunch

We decided to forgo the usual today and we ordered food from the local spanish restaurant. Their food is so good that our unofficial puerto rican gourmet chef orders whenever we order from there. I had pernil with tostones. Sooo good. I am so happy I didn't eat breakfast this morning. Lunch was right on time. I even ordered my husband's favorite beef stew. Ok so maybe the incentive behind this was a little selfish - now I don't have to cook since my kids have usually already eaten once I get home. All I have to do is heat it up when my hubby gets home at 1:30 AM!

Boys to Men in 0 to 60

I was on the train last night on the way home from critical thinking class. A boy gets on - very child like features. I only notice dhim because he looks similar to my son. Same complexion, dark hair - It is what I imagine my 9 year old looking like as he transforms from child to pre-teen. One minute does not pass before I am again immersed in my paintball 2 game on my stupid-phone (a/k/a Palm smartphone). What I hear next is harsh, vulgur, just plain ugly. It is conversation between two teenage boys. "Fuck this son - no I don't live with my dad I live wit my step dad - oh shit that nigga is tappin yo mom's ass - so what bitch I don't care - yo son w efucking lost b - fuck that - shut teh fuck up" and this went on for about 10 minutes. I looked up to see what stop we were at and realized the boy I notice dgetting on tehtrain earlier - who couldn't have been more than 12 was one of the boys having this exchange of fuck-yous and yo sons with a"friend". I quote friends because I often thought at that age that someone was my friend when in reality they were just there for a fleeting moment. As Professor Evans pointed out - people are in our lives or we have relationships at certain times because we need them at that time and I believe some people are really in our lives only for a season. I was upset that this boy that reminded me so much of my son was already so tainted. It was 8:00 at night - why was he on a train without a parent. he should have been home getting ready for bed, the next school day ahead. I felt sad for him - I don't know why, but I felt for just him and not his friend. Maybe because I did think of my son. It was so ironic that these kids were trying so hard to be what they thought was grown yet in between stops they marveled at how longteh train was and how cool it was when it turned a corner to be able to see the other cars - like children watching a toy electric train going around a track. I knew when that boy said he didn't care about his Moms getting "tapped" by his step dad that he really did. When the train passed a certain stop he exclaimed to his friend that if he got off there he could go to his Dad's house. It was almost as if he longed to go there but didn't want to give a fuck at the same time. So is this boy considered abandoned and where do we draw the line? Does someone have to go as far as the woman in the news story did and leave a baby in a closet? Women "leave" their kids everyday for a man. Is it because someone left them and they are so desperately seeking that love? I think so. I wanted so bad for that boy's cell phone to ring and hear him explaining to his worried mother that he was just a little lost and would be home in a few minutes but he was ok, but his phone never rang and before the last stop they got off and disappeared into the night.

Possibility

I was thinking about a picture I have of me from when I was a baby - about two months old. A nun is holding me somewhere inside the Orphanage I called home for the first two months of life - it is a place in Brooklyn called Angel Guardian Home. The place is no longer open and hasn't housed children in years, although they did facilitate adoptions up until this year. Several time over the years when my husband and I discussed me being adopted and how strongly he feels I should find my biological parents, I often told him how the person I really wanted to meet was the nun in that picture. I am not sure why. Naturally I am different from my adopted family, which I guess is expected in some ways, but I am radically different. I never really fit in and once I was old enough and started making my own decisions it seemed as though those decisions involved my adopted family less and less. Of course, my immediate family, my Mother and Father are involved in every aspect of my life, but as far as Aunts, Uncles, cousins, other, I see/speak to them them once or twice a year. No love loss there. My husband and I have come up with a theory. My first life bonding experience was with that nun who happened to be brown skinned, as is my husband. This then explains why even though I was raised in an all white neighborhood and family, I have soul. It is my opinion that very few white people have soul. There are exceptions of course - i.e., John Travolta. In any event, my husband is sure and I believe him, that the nun fed me food, sang me songs, danced with me in her arms and talked to me as she would have to her own child if she had one. This is the only explanation my husband and I could come up with as for my desire for hot sauce on everything, my tatse in music, my dating history, my penchant for Terry McMillan books and my smooth moves on the dance floor. It makes sense to me. I learned the other day from my Mother that the priest who runs the parish she belongs to has monthly contact with the nuns from Angel Guardian Home. She knows of my desire to meet that nun and she is going to try to hook me up. Who knows, maybe it will happen. Stay tuned to find out.

Blah Day

I don't know what to blog about today. The ideas are all there in my mind but they seem so distant. Nothing really stands out - so many things on my mind but nothing I really want to discuss. I feel foggy, need sleep. Maybe coffee will help? Sitting here trying to come up with something, but there is dead silence. Tune in later.

Trouble With Authority

I couldn't have planned what happened at work today to coincide with what we discussed in class even if I wanted to, but it did. OK, so my co-wroker Barbara calls in and says she isn't going to be int oday but there is an inter-office envelope, marked "confidential", for the attorney we work for. I couldn't get my hands on teh envelope fast enough. I just knew it had to contain something related to what we should or should not be doing. Suddenly W&L cares about how their employees conduct themselves down to the most minute detail. It is like having a child and letting them do whatever they want as long as their grades are good and suddenly saying well Jane, Dad and I have a whole new set of rules for you to follow. No matter how good your grades are we will be scrutinizing your every move. That child does not know how to behave as he/she should and it is going to take more than supernanny to fix it. In this case it is worse because the attorney I work for basically doesn't care about the rules and does not hide it. Yeah the partners give hima hard time but he brings in over 80% of referrals and he is a childhood friend of the W part of the equation. I think he should be exempt from the rules. Of course I also think that exemption should trickle down to me since I do all the leg work and make sure what needs to be done gets done with the end result of $$$ for all. So a few months back they started changing things around here. For as long as I have been here - (10 years) and well before me, thsi place was known as a "country club" and was run as such. Leisure lunches, breaks a plenty, as long as work was done and $$$ was rolling in there was no problem. Now everything is a problem. First I could no longer put in for hours that I spent reading materials from home for trial projects. Then I could no longer put in for parking reimbursement. Last summer I worked 3 months at my bosses family owned day camp while receiving full pay from W&L. This year I couldn't go. Then I couldn't keep my sneakers on. Then lunch had to be an hour long only. Now today this "confidential" envelope says I can't work any hours that deviate from 9am to 5pm. This is BS is say. So by 12 my boss doesn't say anything so I tell him a little birdie told me about a delinquent status attached to my name. He points me to the trash can where I see the envelope and its contents in many pieces. At least we are on the same page. Of course I want to call HR and say nanny nanny boo boo Micheal threw out the memo. And by the way, I don't have a set schedule, but as my fellow co-worker Joel said, and I quote, "I would just let sleeping dogs lie - until they bark". That is just what I will do. I will continue to do as I see fit/proper and hopefully the envelopes will keep ending up in the trash can. I just hope I don't end up in the trash can!

Turtles hold a special place in our home. We have a tank with 4 of them. Here is an interesting two headed turtle I would love to have.

Supermammawifeyetstillanindividual

I was Supermammawifeyetstillanindividual person yesterday. Woke up early to begin my clean up routine before the hubby wakes up. Ironed his uniform, made coffee, pretended to be interested in the X-Box game Benny was playing, made a shopping list, cleaned the dog area outside and fed them, made lunch for my love to take to work, made sure Benny did homework, made breakfast for Benny and myself, got gym bag together, spent time with family, vacuumed bathroom and backdoor area, husband gave me and Benny a lift to the "Y", worked out one hour, family swim with Benny, walked to main street to get Victor new belts, took cab to supermarket, did food shopping, got home, put groceries away, gathered laundry to take to laundromat because dryer is broken, put clothes in, went for pizza, took clothes home, cooked dinner, watched desperate housewives, put Benny to bed, took a shower, put clothes away, got out Vee's pj's, took a nap, woke up when Vee got home, spent time with him, went to sleep!